Trillium Book Awards Author Reading 2015

Please Don't Tell Her You Have Read this Letter

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Please Don't Tell Her You Have Read this Letter

I can’t let Ax write for you anymore; she is intolerably bad-tempered, moody and grumpy inside me while I keep smiling. She’s acting weird: Ax is absent minded and you need to remind her everything at least three times, she spills the milk in the fridge, the cheese on the floor and drives me nuts. And, guess what, she does cry over the spilt milk like a little baby. All she wants to do is to toss and turn in the bed, to sleep nonstop for weeks. She yawns and yawns which make her eyes teary and her vision blurry. Her apartment is a dirty, smelly pile of mess.
Ehsan, you know that I have been controlling her but now she is out of control. I mean, I know I am the one in control but she keeps pushing me away and I have been losing control every now and then when she goes wild and crazy. I have let you in on a lot of my secrets, Ehsan. She would definitely shoot herself last week if she had a gun and this is serious. Well, I don’t blame her. I mean I believe she has every right to end the life that she never decided to start, don’t you think? Ax has run out of any reason/excuse/motivation to live and none of my lullabies work anymore. She doesn’t even write anymore which is the worst way she could destroy herself.
Ehsan, Ax acts like she is in an isolated island by herself, with a cast on her leg and crutches that have bruised her armpit. She sits down and stares at a book or the monitor for five hours straight. When Isobel finally says a few words Ax doesn’t answer. Isobel complaints and Ax goes “where you talking to me?” which hurts Isobel even more. “I don’t talk to myself,” says Isobel.
I put lip glass on Ax’s chapped lips, lotion her dry skin, dress her nicely and take her out. I make jokes, laugh, dance, do everything to get her have fun and cheer up. I can’t. I am no more in control. She is taking over.



P.S. Please never ever mention to her that you’ve read this letter.

The views expressed in the Writer-in-Residence blogs are those held by the authors and do not necessarily reflect the views of Open Book: Toronto.

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