Trillium Book Awards Author Reading 2015

Notes From a Bookseller

Share |

No. 36: While dogs, and occasionally children, may be allowed in the store, please, no wagons. First off your wagon smells like sour milk, and second, you’re not settling the prairie.

No. 37: Please do not approach the counter and say, “I’m wondering if you have a book.” You’re just asking for it.

No. 38: After-dinner Crowd #1: Please refrain from setting your doggy bags and frappuccinos on the book tables. Elizabeth Ruth’s “Matadora” should not be confused with a placemat.

No. 39: No cellphone conversations are allowed. FYI, everyone in the store now knows that your tests came back positive.

No. 40: It’s with your best interests at heart that I refuse to tell you how to find the Self-help section.

No. 41: After-dinner Crowd #2: I don’t care how drunk you are or how much you tipped the waiter at the restaurant, I still don’t deserve to hear every detail of your divorce (BTW, your wife was right).

No. 42: It took someone five years to write the book the book that you’re sitting on right now. I hope it was comfortable. Now get off it.

No. 43: Do not ask me, under any circumstances, to point you in the direction of the “non-fiction section.”

No. 44: Dear motivated and inspired young reader: Don’t be afraid to tell your parents that what they are reading is crap. It works both ways.

No. 45: Do not pretend you didn’t hear the theft alarm when you’re the only person in the store. I know from the security camera that your stroller contains not only a mickey of rye but at least four graphic novels.

No. 46: “It’s Fifty, not Forty Shades of Grey. You’re thinking of another novel. Yes, I have a paper bag.”

No. 47: I have a regular customer and accomplished author who does a brilliant Jack Nicholson impersonation, and it comes from the heart.

No. 48: “No, we don’t charge 5c for a bag. It’s free. Would that have been a deal-breaker? Really? Did I mention that’s my Range Rover parked outside?”

No. 49: “Is this good?”

2 comments

Funny. Funny. FUNNY! One of the best OBT WIR in a long time!

Michael this is very funny and says what so many of us in the book business want to say. However we know that fragile egos are in play-customers or authors.

The views expressed in the Writer-in-Residence blogs are those held by the authors and do not necessarily reflect the views of Open Book: Toronto.

Michael Januska

Michael Januska is an award-winning crime fiction writer whose works include numerous short stories as well as the recent novel Riverside Drive, part of the Border City Blues series set in Windsor. His first book was Grey Cup Century. He lives in Toronto.

Go to Michael Januska’s Author Page