Trillium Book Awards Author Reading 2015

Dear Michael's Blog

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Dear Blog,

How are you?
I've missed you.
Thing have been pretty good since we last spoke.
I've been a part of three different plays, all that I'd written. There was a point in my life when I didn't think I would ever really consider myself a writer, but now look. Here I am, having written and staged three pieces since May. I guess that means I'm a writer--or perhaps that just means I'm an ego-maniac. Perhaps, Blog, it just means that I am unable to find the happiness I need internally, and seek the constant affirmation from those around me. Perhaps I need you ALL to tell me how much you love me, and what a good boy I am. I'm a good boy! I'M A GOOD BOY.

Blog - Michael.

Michael - (through tears) YA?

Blog - Michael, I'm here. I'm here Michael.

Michael - Blog? Is that you?

Blog - Yes, Michael. I'm here.

Michael - OH BLOG! (throwing arms around Blog) I'm so happy you're here.

Blog - I know. I know. Shhhh.

(pause)

Blog - What's wrong? Why did you pause?

Michael - Did you just "Shhhh" me?

Blog - Yes, Michael, I did.

Michael - Why, Blog?

Blog - Well, Michael, y'see ... sometimes people have inside voices, and sometimes those inside voices become outside voices. Now, its okay if that happens SOMETIMES .... but, honestly, Michael, that inside voice is getting a LOT of outside voice exposure these days.

Michael - What are you saying, BLOG?

Blog - Don't use that tone with me.

Michael - Don't tell me what to do.

Blog - I'm not telling you what to--

Michael - YES YOU ARE, BLOG!

(Pause)

Blog - Let's start over.

Michael - No, I don't think so.

Blog - I'm just trying to help.

Michael - By telling me that I TALK TOO MUCH?

Blog - I didn't say that.

Michael - You said stop using my inside voice as my OUTSIDE voice.

Blog - You're frightening people again.

Michael - GOOD.

Blog - You're losing friends.

Michael - Well, maybe I shouldn't be friends with them, then.

Blog - You're getting hostile.

Michael - GETTING? GETTING!!!??? NO BLOG. I'M HOSTILE. OH YEAH. HOSTILE RUBENFELD. THAT'S MY NAME, BLOG! THAT'S MY NAME!!!!!!!!!!!!

(beat)

Blog - Are you finished.

Michael - Almost. THAT'S MY NAME! YAH! YAH! YAH! YAHHHHHH!

(beat)

Blog - How 'bout now?

Michael - Yeah, fine.

Blog - Good. Now, repeat after me: I am good.

Michael - What?

Blog - Say it.

Michael - I am good?

Blog - Lose the question mark.

Michael - I am good.

Blog - Great. Again. I am good.

Michael - I am good.

Blog - Again.

Michael - I am good.

Blog - Again.

Michael - I am good.

Blog - Again.

Michael - I am good.

Blog - Again.

Michael - I am good.

(pause)

Blog - How do you feel?

Michael - Um. Ummmmm.

(beat)

Michael - Good?

Blog - Good! See. That wasn't hard.

Michael - What wasn't?

Blog - You don't have to spew your neurosis onto the world in order to feel better about yourself. Sometimes, all you have to do is tell yourself that you're good.

Michael - That I'm good.

Blog - That's right.

Michael - Good?

Blog - (smiling) Good.

(beat. Michael contemplates this concept for a moment, before deciding that he does, in fact, have aggressive, violent feelings towards his blog.)

Blog - What's that look?

Michael - What look?

Blog - I know that look.

Michael - What are you talking about?

Blog - That, that that that look. THAT LOOK?

Michael - This look?

Blog - Michael. MICHAEL! I love you Michael. I love you.

Michael - I love you too Blog.

(Michael takes blog by throat)

Blog - MICHAEL.

Michael - You're good blog. No worries. You're good.

Blog - ... michael.

Michael - You're good, right? You're GOOD!

Blog - I'm good. Let me go.

Michael - Again. Say it again.

Blog - I'm good.

Michael - You're what?

Blog - Good, Michael, I'm good. You're hurting me.

Michael - One more time?

Blog - I'm good.

Michael - Again.

Blog - I'm good! I'm GOOD! Okay? I'M GOOD.

(Michael released blog. Blog caresses his throat. He is rattled.)

Michael - No hard feelings.

Blog - None taken.

Michael - I love you

(beat)

Michael - I love you.

Blog - I love you ... too.

Michael - Nice.

(pause.)

Michael - See you soon, Blog.

Blog - Yeah. See you soon.

(Michael exits. Blog is left alone. Lights begin to go down.)

Blog - WAIT!

(Lights stop going down.)

Blog - I have something to say.

(Lights go back up again)

Blog - Some of you may have been upset by what you've just read. Some of you may have thought that it was un-necessary--these sorts of behavioural patterns. Some of you may not understand that despite Michael's violent tendencies, despite his inability to always express his love in ways that make me feel good, I assure you that he does love me. He does. He is just goig through a tough time right now. I'm sure everyone can relate to that. Like, for instance, just last week I had to have a root canal. Nobody likes root canals. Especially not Blogs. A blog root canal is NOT a pretty sight. Anyways. All this is to say that after that root canal, I sure was a heck of a guy to be around. I was so moody. Lemme tell yah. Someone would even LOOK in my direction, and I'd break their arm, or damage some cartiledge. No joke. I was VERY violent. In some cultures, that's just how people express their feelings. Cultures like mine. So, I just ask that before you judge Michael, you take a moment to understand that he was choking me, because he loves me.

And I love him.

And I love you.

xox

BLOG.

1 comment

I missed Michael vs. Blog! Thanks for this new post. Hope to see many more.

The views expressed in the Writer-in-Residence blogs are those held by the authors and do not necessarily reflect the views of Open Book: Toronto.

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Michael Rubenfeld

Michael Rubenfeld is a writer, director, actor and producer. His plays include Present Tense, Spain and My Fellow Creatures.

Go to Michael Rubenfeld’s Author Page