Trillium Book Awards Author Reading 2015

Michael -vs- Blog : THE CHAT

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Blog - Hello Michael

Michael - Blog.

Blog - How are you?

Michael - Fine.

Blog - Fine?

Michael - (looking over, eyebrows raised) ... Fine.

Blog - Jus' askin'.

Michael - To which I responded that I was fine.

Blog - Heardja the first time.

Michael - So why did you ... nevermind.

(Michael sits and drinks his coffee while flipping through his New Yorker. Blog sips an herbal tea, looking through the classifieds)

Blog - (reading) "If you're into boobs, I'm your gal. My boobs will keep you bouncing all night long. Call Ruby for some booby."

(Blog picks up the phone and starts to dial)

Michael - What are you doing?

Blog - Calling Ruby.

Michael - No you're not.

Blog - I'm curious.

Michael - Put the phone down.

Blog - But I want to know!

Michael - KNOW WHAT?

Blog - I wanna know what she means by "bouncing all night long".

Michael - Do we need to have the chat?

Blog - What chat.

Michael - The one in which I explain to you what people do?

Blog - OH! I LOVE that chat.

Michael - Blog.

Blog - Yah?

Michael - Really? Do we really need to go over this again?

Blog - I can ask Ruby and her booby.

Michael - No, you can't ask Ruby or her booby.

Blog - So tell me.

(Michael sighs. He closes his New Yorker, puts away his Harpers, Walrus, Beaver and literary journals.)

Michael - Alright. When a man and a woman--

Blog - SEX! Its SEX isn't it. SEX SEX SEX!

(Beat)

Blog - IS IT SEX?

Michael - Yes.

Blog - SEX!

(beat)

Michael - Blog.

Blog - Sex!

Michael - Stop it.

Blog - Seeeex

Michael - BLOG!

Blog - Yeh?

Michael - You didn't actually need "the chat", did you.

Blog - ... sex.

Michael - You didn't, did you.

Blog - ... no.

(beat)

Michael - So you lied to me.

Blog - You were the one who said we should have a chat.

Michael - THE chat. THE CHAT.

Blog - How am I supposed to you know what THE Chat is?

Michael - Because we've had this chat many many times.

(beat)

Michael - Right?

(blog looks down)

Michael - Riiiiight??

Blog - Yeh.

Michael - So ... why did you lie?

Blog - Well ... its just ... sometimes it feels like the only time we get to chat is when we're having THE chat.

Michael - That's not true.

Blog - It is! You're always so busy reading stuff or doing stuff or ... whatever it is you do.

Michael - I have a lot on my plate.

Blog - WHAT ABOUT ME?

Michael - I'm right here.

Blog - Sometimes I feel like you don't really see me.

Michael - Here we go.

Blog - See! See! THAT! I hate it when you do that. I am Always there for you. ALWAYS! Whenever you need me I'm here. I NEVER EVER make you feel bad about yourself. And when I come to you with one request. ONE REQUEST--that we chat more than when its THE CHAT--you condescend me. You make me feel small. You make me feel insignificant. You make me feel unworthy. You make me feel bad.

(Blog picks up the phone)

Michael - What are you doing.

Blog - None of your business.

Michael - Are you calling Ruby?

Blog - No.

Michael - Don't call Ruby.

Blog - Shut up.

Michael - Blog.

Blog - If you can't get me bouncing, maybe RUBY can.

Michael - You're not going to bounce with Ruby.

Blog - I'll do whatever I want.

Michael - Put the phone down.

Blog - Make me.

Michael - I will.

Blog - I dare you.

Michael - Be careful what you wish for.

Blog - Oh I will.

Michael - Fine.

Blog - Come on, big boy--whatcha got?

(Michael pounces on Blog and rips the phone from Blog's hands)

Blog - What? That's all?

Michael - Shut up!

Blog - MAKE ME!

(Michael Kisses blog)

(Blog is shocked)

(So is Michael)

(Michael gets up off of blog. He takes a seat back at the table. He takes out a magazine and starts to read it. Blog remains on the floor, still in a daze.)

Blog - Michael?

Michael - Yeah?

Blog - What just happened?

Michael - Hm?

(Michael continues to read.)

Blog - Michael?

(Michael does not respond.)

Blog - Miiiichael??

(Lights down.)

Blog - ... Michael?

The views expressed in the Writer-in-Residence blogs are those held by the authors and do not necessarily reflect the views of Open Book: Toronto.

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Michael Rubenfeld

Michael Rubenfeld is a writer, director, actor and producer. His plays include Present Tense, Spain and My Fellow Creatures.

Go to Michael Rubenfeld’s Author Page