Trillium Book Awards Author Reading 2015

The Dirty Dozen, with Monica Heisey

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Monica Heisey

Writer and comedian Monica Heisey has been making people laugh for a long time in publications like HelloGiggles (the website founded by indie darling Zooey Deschanel), The Hairpin and VICE, but now her perfectly skewed and cheeky observations can live on your bookshelf in the form of I Can't Believe It's Not Better: A Woman's Guide to Coping with Life (Fitzhenry & Whiteside). Essays like "Pizzas I Have Loved", along with advice on how to sext, watch hours of TV and cry in public make I Can't Believe It's Not Better the perfect gift for the wittiest women in your life.

Monica joins us today on Open Book as part of our Dirty Dozen series, where we shake down authors for twelve unexpected facts about themselves. Monica offers more of her trademark advice on living your best (hard-boiled egg eating) life, tells us childhood stories that feature ten-year-olds contemplating blood and honour and imagines a perfect world (hint: it involves a lot of books).

  1. I’m trying to sort out my style right now and I have to be honest with you: dressing like an adult is confusing and hard.

  2. The best way to make a hard-boiled egg is the way Martha Stewart does it (bring water to a boil with eggs in the pot, turn off at boil and leave covered for ten minutes). The worst way to eat a hard-boiled egg is the way I do it (out of a ziplock bag in the back of a Starbucks).
  3. I think sharks are very scary but very majestic. A shared fear of sharks is the only affinity I feel with David Foster Wallace.
  4. If you’re not on board with puns, you’re not on board with me.
  5. Every day I read humour pieces and essays on The Hairpin, The New Yorker, The Cut and VICE. I get my news by following The Guardian, The Globe & Mail and the NYT on Twitter, like a filthy millennial.
  6. In 1998 I wrote a theatrical adaptation of Alexandre Dumas’ The Count of Monte Cristo for my grade five class to perform. I had only read 500 of the 1000+ pages of the book so I made up the ending, which involved less suicide than Dumas’ version, but did still involve my ten year-old classmate aggressively contemplating suicide while muttering “blood washes out dishonour.”
  7. Ethiopian food is the best food. This is not a fact about me, just a hard truth about a delicious cuisine.
  8. In high school I participated in a nation-wide improv tournament called The Canadian Improv Games. Those nerds changed my life — I even met my husband there.
  9. The best thing I have ever written was an article for a student coupon website called “Pumpkin: The King of Foods?” I am still waiting on my Pulitzer.
  10. If everyone carried a book with them, no one would be mad about their friends always being 10-15 minutes late for things. This is my dream world.
  11. I don’t understand sports and I don’t want you to explain them to me.
  12. I probably have a crush on you.


Monica Heisey is a writer and comedian from Toronto. Her writing has appeared in VICE, Playboy, The Cut, HelloGiggles.com, The Hairpin, The Toast, Reader's Digest, Noisey, New York Magazine, The Guardian, The Huffington Post, www.fashionmagazine.com, The Toronto Standard, SheDoestheCity.com, Munchies and CBC Punchline, among others.

Check out all the Dirty Dozen interviews in our archives.

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