Trillium Book Awards Author Reading 2015

A Few Quick Requests From Your Publisher

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Monica Heisey

by Monica Heisey

from: yourpublisher@pubhouse.com
to: an.author@gmail.com
sent: 3/22/16 22:10
subj: quick favour

Hi hi,

I know your final draft is due in a few months, but wanted to check if it was at all possible to get a look at it early? Our interns are gone by May so we're hoping to be able to get their expertise while working with your specific stuff, you know, and to workshop it with those confusing millennials. What are they ABOUT? Will they buy a book by someone in their THIRTIES? Only time will "lol", as they say. (They might!) (Just a little Gen Y #humour for you there.)

Anyway, can you turn it around for us in a week or so? Let us know! Thanks so much, you're the best.
_______________________________________________________________

from: yourpublisher@pubhouse.com
to: an.author@gmail.com
sent: 4/5/16 16:34
subj: quick favour

Hey hey,

So excited to get things moving now that the manuscript is FINALLY out of the way. Was just thinking it might be kind of fun for you to design the cover? We're stretched a little thin here and one of our designers quit last week, something about how it was unreasonable to ask them to draw a glass of chardonnay drinking another glass of chardonnay on the cover of a murder mystery. It's like, hello! The murder happens AT a vineyard, and the murderer is a woman! Women love chardonnay and that's a scientific fact, not my fault. Anyway, for you we're thinking more of a shiraz vibe. Maybe like, a wine glass shaped like a shoe? Just spitballing here. Can't wait to see what you come up with!

Thanks so much, you're amazing.
_______________________________________________________________

from: yourpublisher@pubhouse.com
to: an.author@gmail.com
sent: 4/12/16 10:15
subj: quick favour

Hiiiiiiiiiya!

You're totally right, in the end, about the cover. The artist you put us in touch with was great, and now that she brings it up, the shoe wine thing was maybe a little inappropriate, given how gritty your memoir is shaping up to be. Anyway, was just emailing because I was clicking around on Twitter and I saw that you follow Margaret Atwood, which is so cool—do you think you could get her to blurb you? Let us know!

Thanks so much! You're a star.
_______________________________________________________________

from: yourpublisher@pubhouse.com
to: an.author@gmail.com
sent: 4/12/16 10:17
subj: quick favour

What about Mindy Kaling?
_______________________________________________________________

from: yourpublisher@pubhouse.com
to: an.author@gmail.com
sent: 4/12/16 10:22
subj: quick favour

You know, if you can't get either of them, J.K. Rowling might be good. She's not exactly the right vibe, but it would be great if you could get in touch and see!
_______________________________________________________________

from: yourpublisher@pubhouse.com
to: an.author@gmail.com
sent: 6/8/16 18:05
subj: quick favour

Hey hey hey,

Just wanted to say congratulations on the upcoming launch!!! We're more than happy to supply some breadsticks for the party, and a little birdie told me there juuuust might be a tub of hummus or two that magically appear on the evening.... but could you buy a case or two of wine real quick? Honestly after insisting we splurge on a complete back cover instead of the cute, quirky demi-cover option we showed you first, it's the least you could do! I think the literati like shiraz?

Thanks so much! You're the best!
_______________________________________________________________

from: yourpublisher@pubhouse.com
to: an.author@gmail.com
sent: 7/8/16 11:11
subj: quick favour

Make a wish!!!!! We're wishing you make your advance back!!! LOL jk we're wishing for you to do us a tiny little favour... could you get in touch with the New York Times and see if they'd be interested in running a review or even a cute Q&A with you? Please tell them we'll be more than happy to provide a high-res image of the cover, if that sweetens the deal for them at all.

Don't know if you saw it, but we already got you some HOT press on Stephen's cousin's Goodreads profile. Three and a half stars! Not too shabby! If NYT doesn't get back to you, try the LARB?

Thanks so much! You're the BEST.
_______________________________________________________________

from: yourpublisher@pubhouse.com
to: an.author@gmail.com
sent: 4/5/16 16:34
subj: quick favour

Hiiii!

Sorry I haven't been in touch in a while, and don't want to excite you too much about book sales, still too early too tell but also too late to know for sure, in a sense! Anyway I'm writing because I promised my cousin's daughter that you'd take her out for lunch next week, if that's cool! She's so sweet and wants to be a writer! She's never heard of you and didn't seem interested but I just KNOW you're going to inspire the hell out of her. Thanks so much, you're the best.
_______________________________________________________________

from: monicaheisey@gmail.com
to: thepublishingindustry@mycareer.com
sent: just now
subj: JK

I'm very much kidding and love you a lot. Thanks for letting me make fun of you, you're the best!

_______________________________________________________________

Monica Heisey is a writer and comedian from Toronto, and the editor-at-large for Broadly, a VICE channel. Her first book, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better, is out right now.

Monica's writing can also be found in The New Yorker, The Guardian, VICE, Gawker, The Cut, Playboy, The Hairpin, Rookie, The Toast, Hazlitt, noisey, the Huffington Post, FASHION, Reader’s Digest, etc. etc. etc.

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