Trillium Book Awards Author Reading 2015

WHENEVER

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Whenever a public broadcaster, like TVO or the CBC, runs an artsy documentary or an author interview, it means that the broadcaster otherwise ignores dance, music, theatre, literature, and the visual arts.

Whenever a supermarket identifies a product as having a new price it means it is the same price it was a month ago.

Whenever a government promises to get tough on crime it means that the crime rate has gone down.

Whenever an author says a book would not have been possible without the help of a domestic partner, she means it wouldn’t have been possible without Employment Insurance.

Whenever a client says a cheque is in the mail it means the cheque has been lost in the mail.

Whenever a company advertises that a product is new and improved, it means that the old product was lousy.

Whenever a politician, like Toronto mayor Rob Ford, vows to cut the fat it’s the case that he hasn’t cut his own.

Whenever a publisher says a new book is eagerly awaited it means that the author was a long time getting his act in gear.

Whenever health reporters quote a study linking second-hand tobacco smoke to yet another hitherto unsuspected disease, it’s a sure sign that both researchers and reporters have run out of ideas.

Whenever someone cites a definition from an unnamed dictionary it means that he has made it up.

Whenever a woman talks on a cellphone it means that she is making a public service announcement.

Whenever a politician quits to spend more time with his family it means that he is popular only with his family.

Whenever there is a mass tribute to a police officer or firefighter who died in the line of duty it means that day fewer people are fighting crime or fires.

Whenever a poet, before reading a poem, describes how a terrible thing happened to her, it means she could not have written a poem without a terrible thing happening.

The views expressed in the Writer-in-Residence blogs are those held by the authors and do not necessarily reflect the views of Open Book: Toronto.

Related item from our archives

Fraser Sutherland

At last count, Fraser Sutherland has published fifteen books: one of them short fiction, four nonfiction and ten poetry, His most recent poetry collection is The Philosophy of As If. A freelance editor, he may be the only Canadian poet who is also a lexicographer. Born and raised in Nova Scotia, he lives in Toronto.

Go to Fraser Sutherland’s Author Page